Give Me You
by fc2001
Summary: All I can say is it's Carby.....r/r
1. Default Chapter

Give Me You  
  
As usual I own nothing and no-one. The song used is from Meredith Brooks "Blurring The Edges" and is called "What Would Happen" (Some of the lyrics are perhaps approximations - I'm not sure what the words really are. I did my best - there are no lyrics printed on her CD sleeve) I wrote the fic for the song - because I could imagine a situation it would fit so easily. I loved the song instantly.  
  
"Someone's enjoying this almost as much as me,"  
Abby raised her head from her hands and turned to locate the owner of the voice who'd startled her out of her reverie.   
"You didn't have to come, I didn't twist your arm,"  
He continued, moving closer to her across the balcony. Behind them, the warm sounds of laughter and light, dancing music emanated from the ballroom.  
"Yeah, what else would have I been doing? Probably eating junk food and watching trashy televison..why does that now sound so appealing?"  
She finished sarcastically, feeling a fist make light contact with her upper arm.  
"I know what you mean though,"  
He said, resting his glass on the railing and staring out over the city lights. She smiled.  
"Oh, come on, you can't dislike your family that much,"  
It was a joke, but she knew deep down he did feel a strong sense of detachment from his family. He wasn't "like them" wasn't who they wanted him to be.   
"I'm duty bound to be here,"  
"Well, then, I'll just be duty bound to support you,"  
Abby answered, without thinking, and fiddled carelessly with a stray strand of hair that had fallen over her face.   
"Thank you,"  
He said perfectly solemnly. She nodded in acceptance and understanding.   
"How'd you manage to slip away then?"  
"With difficulty...I made a break for it when Grandma went to the buffet,"  
"Who was that girl who was taking an unhealthy interest in you? I could hear her across the room,"  
She heard him sigh heavily, wearily almost.   
"Oh God...she came across as badly as I thought? She's awful...spoilt little rich kid...you know the type,"  
"Yeah, I think I do,"  
She turned to look at him and smiled sarkily. He drew his eyebrows together in mock disapproval.  
"She's worse than me. I'm not spoilt,"  
He hated the stigma he suffered for coming from a wealthy family. He knew, quite correctly, that it didn't make him that different from any other person. He couldn't cast off the shackles of his family completely, however, and it bothered him.  
"No,"  
Abby conceded.  
"But you are a rich kid,"  
"Not anymore I'm not,"  
He responded as if it was accusation not a joke.   
"Don't get defensive...I know,"  
"Everyone still treats me like I'm one of them, like one day I'll see sense and return to the family,"  
"You won't?"  
"I spent my life under their thumb, there's no way I'm going to go back to that after finally getting control of my own life,"  
Some control she thought sadly. Bereaved and confused, a recovering addict like herself, moving through the days in his own world, acutely aware of all around. Yeah, some control and some life, she thought angrily. He questioned her silently, looking past her expression, trying to read her thoughts. She hoped he couldn't see what she was really thinking.  
"You were miles away,"  
He smiled, the puzzlement fading. He turned back to face the view. The night sky was as clear as a bell and the stars twinkled down on them from their navy  
blanket.   
"It's lovely out here, isn't it?"  
She was unaware of what she'd said until she'd said it. It sounded obvious. Too obvious.  
"That's one thing my family are good for - they've got an eye for a view,"  
It was true. Chicago by day was an ugly city much like any other- in character and in architecture. But by night it was a different animal. The grey, stark concrete and glass were replaced by warm street and house lights that stretched for miles. She sensed his eyes on her, but refused to turn her eyes away from the landscape before her, nervous of what she'd see.   
"We should probably go inside - before my gamma starts making assumptions,"  
He broke the gaze to look back towards the house.   
"I don't know. I was enjoying it out here, better company for a start,"  
Once again, her mouth ran away with her brain. She knew what he meant, exactly what he meant. She heard every possible connotation in the words and savoured every one. She chastised herself sharply. She wouldn't and she didn't.  
"Well, at least give me a chance to practise my dance-steps,"  
"You know I hate dancing,"  
"Yeah, but you're too good at it to deny me the pleasure,"  
He held out his hand to her. She smiled and looked at it, trepidation filling every inch of her being. What they had appeared to be innocent. On the surface it was. Then there was something deeply uninnocent about it that she couldn't ignore. This was one of those moments. She didn't know if she could risk it. But looking at his expression, she decided it would be safe enough. She was a taken woman and old enough to stay in control. She wasn't in high school now. She took his hands and stepped towards him.  
****  
Electricity  
Eye to eye  
And though I know you  
I can't speak  
Strip my senses  
On the spot  
I've never been defenceless  
I can't even make sense of it  
You speak and I don't even hear a word  
****  
His other hand rested in the curve between her stomach and her hip. It felt so natural it was like an extension of herself. Abby, swallowing her doubts and taking the moment by the scruff, put her hand on his shoulder. She faced him square on, her chin slightly tilted upwards, keeping the distance safe. And so they danced, as friends. Abby concentrated her gaze on a spot just over his shoulder, to keep her mind as focussed as she could. She knew if she looked at him then her resolve would disappear.   
"Abby?"  
Involuntarily, her eyes moved to his face. And that was the end of the friends thing. She couldn't pretend. She just couldn't do it anymore. Realising her mistake, she loosened her fingers grip on his shoulder. She went to whisper, to apologise, but couldn't break the silence. She'd never been lost for words before. In response, she took a step closer to him. She could feel his gaze intensely, was acutely aware of it in fact, and the longing that lay behind it. It broke down any coherent sentences that might have formed, washed away the last of her remaining resolve. She felt a little lost. The dance slowed to a sway. His arms encircled her waist, holding her right to him. She knotted her hands at the base of his neck. Her eyes closed, the feelings locked away so long surfaced. She knew she shouldn't but she was and it felt right.   
****  
What would happen if we kissed?  
Would your tongue slip past my lips?  
Would you run away?  
Would you stay?  
Or would I melt into you?  
Mouth to mouth  
Lust to lust  
Spontaneously combust  
What would happen if we kissed?  
****  
Abby knew the inevitible. She knew she'd let it happen. Whether he would she wasn't sure. After all, she was in a relationship. She pushed all thoughts of Luka aside. Gently, softly, she reached up to kiss him. She touched his lips lightly with her own and turned away, waiting for a reaction, any reaction. He ran his fingertips slowly over her face, leaving trails of longing in their wake, and responded by reaching for her mouth. Everything that had happened over the last few months swelled between them and made it's presence felt...  
  
To Be Continued  



	2. Declarations & Revelations

"Declarations And Revelations"  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own them, never will.  
It's been a while since I wrote the first chapter, but I just came back to it and  
started typing today...  
  
The room is spinning  
Out of control  
I bet you didn't notice  
Brush my hand  
Forbidden fruit  
Ring on my finger  
That you're perfect, you moral, moral man  
Should throw it away  
No question  
Will I pretend I'm innocent  
****  
She felt a release in this kiss, submitting to it completely as his tongue slipped  
past her own. They were inextricably combined. His arms pulled her closer  
until there wasn't an inch between them. She was in deep and there was no  
way of taking this back now.   
"Oh, I see,"  
The voice cut into her consciousness, and she pulled away suddenly  
embarrassed. Abby turned to the source of the voice, his arm still tight around  
her waist.  
"It's not..."  
She heard him begin to stutter an explantion, before realising he no longer  
had to explain himself to his parents. His mother looked decidedly  
unimpressed. Her eyes bore into Abby with a frightening intensity. She was  
suspicious, and obviously upset.  
"I think I know exactly what it is, thank you,"  
Abby narrowed her eyes and stared right back, never breaking eye contact. It  
was unnerving, but she wasn't one to back down. She was being accused of  
something here, she was the guilty party, but she wasn't sure exactly why.   
"After all we've done..."  
Abby had to bite her tongue. What had they done? They'd come pretty  
damned close to ruining him. She didn't think half her son's problems were  
partially her fault? The gaze was definitely withering, a 'who do you think you  
are, little lady' look and it wasn't something she was just willing to stand there  
and take. She wasn't awed by this woman, or scared of her.  
"This isn't about him, it's about me,"  
She felt a hand on her upper arm, as if to stop her, but she carried on  
regardless.   
"If you've got something to say, just spit it out,"  
She flared, stepping away from him into the relative cold. She squared her  
shoulders defiantly, pulling herself up to full height and practically  
threatening the older woman.   
"Why would this be about you.....?"  
Eleanor paused pointedly, trying to make the point that she didn't really  
matter, that she was easily forgotten, virtually anonymous to her.   
"Abby. My name is Abby,"  
She fired back, seeing right through the transparency.   
"Right, whatever. You're the nurse aren't you? Why would I have a problem  
with you?"  
"It's so transparent, Eleanor, I'm just not the kind of girl you wanted to see  
him kissing am I?"  
The answer was unnecessary, it was all there in the older woman's eyes. Abby  
fumed silently for a couple of seconds, before walking away. She had to leave.  
She was humiliated, ashamed and disappointed and there was no possible  
way she could be around him anymore, not tonight.   
"Abby.."  
She heard him call after her. But her current self-loathing was stronger than  
the magnetic pull she felt back to him, and she kept walking. Each step made  
it harder to ever go back, but she didn't know if she ever would. Who did  
Eleanor think she was? Their moment had been broken, shattered in fact, and  
she was angry. Angry with herself for letting it happen in the first place, and  
then equally angry with Eleanor for the interference. She had just succeeded  
in pushing them apart again, when fate was obviously trying to push them  
together. Abby had never had a high opinion of his family. She would never  
say as much to him, but something about them just struck her as twisted.   
****  
I struggle with myself again  
Walls are crumbling  
Don't know if I can turn away  
****  
After a while, she realised she had overreacted to the situation. It had been  
blown out of all proportion because of her insecurities about herself, and  
about her relationships with others. She'd been uptight and embarrassed and  
she'd shattered the moment irrevocably. Eleanor had just been a catalyst. The  
spark that had ignited all her doubts. She'd barely slept, and wasn't feeling at  
best when she inevitably ran into him the next morning. They worked  
together, they couldn't avoid the situation.   
"About last night..."  
He began nervously. Her breath caught suddenly on the memories and she  
had to struggle suddenly to hold it together.   
"I won't say anything,"  
She interjected quickly, before he could say another word.  
"That wasn't what I was going to say,"  
"Yes, it was. Because you've decided it was just a mistake and that your  
mother's right,"  
Abby put the words in his mouth, though she could sense that wasn't it. She  
had decided that was the way it was to be. It was better off not mentioned  
again. Her being had closed up again, she felt at last almost normal again.   
"Right about what? Abby, what's wrong?  
He played the innocent, tried to pretend he didn't know exactly what she  
meant. She knew him better than to fall for it.   
"Right in assuming that I'm not good enough for you,"  
Abby spelled it out. Usually, she'd have said it in good humour, but not today.  
Today everything was different, and she truly believed it was true.  
"No one's good enough for me in their eyes."  
He sounded almost exasperated.  
"And what about in your eyes? Am I the kind of person you want to be with?"  
Abby challenged angrily. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer, to  
know the truth, but she needed to.   
"Not when you're like this,"  
"Like what?"  
He sighed as if she didn't already know what he was about to say.  
"Defensive, Abby, it's wearing,"  
"Well, maybe I'm not the person you should be with then,"  
She turned on her heel, as she was very good at doing to avoid things, and  
went to walk away. Her first step wasn't even completed when she heard his  
almost angry but almost plaintive words.  
"Don't leave..don't you dare walk away from me..."  
And she stopped. Against everything in her, she stopped moving. The air fell  
heavy around her and the world ceased to exist once again. She'd felt that once  
before, when he'd kissed her, and she had an odd feeling she knew what was  
about to happen.  
"Why not?"  
She asked, trying not to sound nervous, but irritated.  
"Because I love you,"  
He answered honestly and she 


	3. Denial

The mistake at the end of the last chapter was purely due to haste in copying from Works into a Text document - though it obviously worked quite well as a cliffhanger. It was supposed to end there, but being as people are keen on the story, I'll carry on.   
  
...struggled not to cry  
  
"Denial"  
  
All connection between her brain and her body had been completely lost, and she was stunned into silence. She remained facing away from him, knowing that turning round would be her undoing. He was waiting for an answer, she could tell, but it was an answer she wasn't sure she could give. Not without giving too much of herself as well. Why couldn't he just have let himself be pushed away? Why did he have to be so stubborn?  
"Well?"  
It was clear he was trying not to sound impatient. She prayed for an intervention, anything that would prevent her having to answer until she'd gathered her thoughts. With the pressure building up inside her, her own expectations and his threatening to rise up and smother her, she wanted to run. She wanted to run away and hide somewhere he couldn't find her. But she couldn't hide from him, he knew everywhere she went to be alone, he knew her inside out. And he loved her. And the whole situation was terrifying. She turned round to face him, challenge him.  
"Well what? What you just expect me to jump into your arms?"  
"A man can live in hope,"  
The joke died in seconds and fell flat. There was no levity in this situation, although Abby wished there could be, because the pressure was sending her insane.  
"I'm just not sure,"  
Her tone was so small, so ghostly, she thought it almost sounded pathetic. She was crystally aware of her feelings for him, so aware that every time she thought of him in hurt a little. She was in love with him, but she wasn't ready to be with him. She'd only end up hurting him, and that would be the end of what was a very good friendship.  
"Not sure? What of?"  
"Has Luka completely slipped your mind?"  
She said suddenly, exasperated. There had to be another card she could play to keep them apart, and he seemed to be it.   
"Since when is he an issue in our relationship?"  
"He's my boyfriend, or has that fact completely escaped you?"  
That fact had all but eluded her all day too. She'd been so tangled up in her own feelings, and dealing with his, that she hadn't even considered who else stood to get hurt.  
"He wasn't last night,"  
He snapped back. And he was right. Last night, during the kiss, it had been like nothing else existed, like they were the only two people on the planet. That never happened in her relationship with Luka. The intensity of first lust had long since gone, replaced by a modest but genuine affection. He couldn't make her feel like that anymore. She couldn't picture a time she had been happier than those few seconds. But she wasn't sure she deserved him, that she deserved that. She didn't feel worthy of what he was willing to give her.   
"Dammit! Please don't do this. Don't make me choose,"  
At the very edge of tears, she tried to keep her voice from cracking. She couldn't possibly make him understand what was going on in her head. She didn't understand it. She had no way to voice the confusion.  
"So. We both have to keep hanging on until you make up your mind who you dislike least?"  
"It's not like that,"  
The denial came too quickly. It wasn't. She didn't want to make him think…She wanted to be with him, more than anything, but she just couldn't bring herself to. Everything they would face seemed too insurmountable.   
"I don't want to hurt him,"  
Abby answered flatly, well aware that her hesitance was the only thing separating them and keeping them apart. It had taken a lot for him to say what he just had. It was right there in his eyes, the depth of his feelings for her. He couldn't hide anything from her, not anymore. It was all there.   
"But it's okay to hurt me?"  
The tone of his voice told her everything. He was distancing himself from this situation. He'd said something that was supposed to mean a great deal to her, and she was throwing it back at him. What else could she do?  
"That's not what I meant, you're twisting my words,"  
Frustration rose in her at not being able to articulate her feelings properly. It was too late though. She had succeeded this time. He was leaving.  
"Get back to me when you know what you want,"  
The parting shot came over his shoulder, almost an afterthought. It stung, embedding itself under her skin, and she knew that this was far from over yet. 


	4. Secrets Out

The day dragged, as bad days tend to. She felt everyone keeping their distance from her, as if they could sense how awful she felt and didn't want any part of that. Or maybe they were scared she'd bite their head off, and the truth was she probably would. She went about her work, no more than passing the time of day with anyone. She went to lunch alone, and sat in Doc's for a half-hour staring into the same cup of coffee.   
"Can I get you another?"  
It was a female voice that she couldn't immediately place. Abby looked up from the now cold brown liquid.   
"No, no it's fine."   
"Can I get you anything else?"  
The waitress, another new girl that Abby didn't recognize, was only doing her job. She was probably working her hardest to impress her boss on her first day. It was the only day when any enthusiasm was a good thing.  
"No. I'm fine, thank you,"  
Aware of how curt her tone sounded, Abby added the thanks. It wasn't the blonde girl's fault. It was mere moments before she was aware of another presence hovering over her.  
"Fancy seeing you here,"  
Abby sighed heavily, tried to smile and looked up at the doctor.  
"Hi. Am I needed?"  
"Nope. It's slowed down. Can I join you?"  
"If you want,"  
Abby said sullenly. She wasn't in the mood for company, but was in even less of a mood to attempt to explain why.  
"Is everything alright?"  
Such a generic question, with so many answers. Abby mulled it over for a second before nodding slowly.  
"Yep, it's all fine,"  
"How did it go last night?"  
A sudden jolt of panic shot through her, she sat bolt upright and looked Jing-Mei straight in the eye for the first time.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Just wondering if you had fun, that was all. Why so jumpy?"  
"No reason."  
"There is. Something happened. Oh, you've got to tell me now, you're a useless liar,"  
It was a friendly, teasing tone, but it had Abby squirming. She couldn't explain this to anyone. She couldn't tell anyone, let alone Chen.  
"It was…Nothing happened, O.K?"  
"What did you do?"  
There was an edge, and Chen was pushing her ever nearer to it.   
"What did *he* do is more accurate,"  
Abby paused, but was encouraged to continue by the expression in Chen's eyes, a strange mixture of elation and confusion.  
"He kissed me,"  
The doctor's eyes widened. Abby looked away, out the window and across the street. She wished she hadn't said what she had earlier, she wished she wasn't so defensive, so insecure. Above all, she wished this wasn't so complicated.  
"And?"  
"And nothing. His mother happened,"  
"Ah,"  
The sigh was an almost knowing one. The look in Eleanor's eyes had been so chilling. In those few seconds, she'd seen herself through the eyes of another, and it had been an appallingly negative image.   
"Don't say anything, O.K? The last thing I need is this getting back to you know who,"  
Why couldn't she even bring herself to say his name? He was supposed to be her boyfriend. Chen shook her head. Abby had to believe her. She felt that this was now scarily out of her control.   
"I won't. But I will tell you this. There's something in the way he looks at you, Abby, something special. There's something there that very few people ever find. I don't know if you feel the same about him, but I have my suspicions."  
"I do,"  
Abby whispered, as much to herself as anything else.   
"Don't let him go," 


	5. Apologies

She had been playing with the phone all night, picking it up, almost dialing and slamming the receiver down again. It seemed ridiculous. Eventually, biting her lip, she made her fingers dial.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Words froze on her lips. To apologize would sound pathetic, and self-serving. But yet sorry was the only word she had.  
  
"It's me,"  
  
She said eventually, and waited for him to put the phone down. She wouldn't blame him, but had been persuaded to try this by Chen's convictions.  
  
"I thought it might be,"  
  
His coldness didn't surprise her, but she hated it nonetheless. She wasn't used to being the one trying to bridge the divide.   
  
"About today…"  
  
She began uselessly, trailing off into another awkward silence. The phone cord twisted round her fingers until it hurt, just to keep her grounded.   
  
"Don't grovel, Abby, it doesn't suit,"  
  
Try as she might, it was difficult not to be hurt by his barb.   
  
"I couldn't just leave it,"  
  
"Can't you see that's exactly what you should do?"  
  
"But you…you hate me…"  
  
She implored, hating how pathetic she sounded. Her fingers were turning purple knotted tight in the cord, but she didn't care.  
  
"No, Abby, I love you. The question here is – do you love me?"  
  
The phone on the other end clicked down without waiting for a reply, leaving her fuming at nothing. They couldn't carry on having half-conversations, stilted and awkward. Like gawky teenagers, it just seemed ridiculous. She untied the phone cord and slammed the receiver back into its cradle, irrationally angry.  
  
She wanted to drink and she wanted to cry but both would be pointless and self-destructive. For a few minutes, she paced a hole in her rug, before she grabbed her jacket and stormed out. She made sure the door slammed behind her in a purely self-indulgent, childish fit of temper.  
  
Her feet pounded the pavement mercilessly, anger and frustration at herself making her dig her hands in her pockets and drive onwards. She thought her pacing directionless.  
  
But then she found herself raising her hand to knock on her boyfriends door. Inside, she was wound to a tight spring, and she wasn't sure what she would do if he answered. Half of her was running over ways to break up with him, and the other half was going to pin him against the wall and get the answers she badly needed. Would she feel alive when he kissed her the ways she had on that balcony?  
  
But no answer came, as her anger ebbed away until she just felt cold and slightly stupid standing there. She felt disappointed, almost jilted.  
  
Whoever snuck out the shadows as she exited the building didn't know her, why she came to be in the building or that she had nothing on her more valuable that her apartment keys. He didn't speak to her. He slid his hand into her pocket and when she swung to defend herself, he mercilessly batted her away and threw her rag doll body aside. She tumbled helplessly to the foot of the stairs and lay there, broken. He slunk back from whence he came, stepping over his victim on his way out.  
  
In a state of half-consciousness, as she lay on the landing, bruised, bloodied and shamed, it wasn't her boyfriend she wanted to save her. It was the man she'd fought with less than an hour ago, the man who's angry words had in part driven her here. It was his name she half-mumbled as pain overtook her, throbbing in her head like an incessant drumbeat.   
  
Reality drifted in and out during the next hours, from being found there, helpless and alone, to the journey to the hospital. She was aware of being spoken to, of being treated, but much as she focused the faces and voices remained blurred and distant. She wanted to reach out and touch them, prove to herself that they weren't just incoherent hallucinations, but she couldn't. Her arms wouldn't move on command. She was trapped in her own immoveable body, and fear took hold. A fear that she wouldn't make it through and that the images she was seeing, the words she was half-hearing would be the last she'd ever see or hear.   
  
And then there was nothing but the drifting emptiness of limbo that exists between life and death, between consciousness and coma. The full and enveloping darkness of space, when time is irrelevant and nothing means anything, not even pain. All you know is the uselessness of your own mortal body, and the memories that flicker past your closed eyelids – close enough to touch, but irritatingly out of reach. 


End file.
